The Dialectized Library

Today we'll cover a special author i find entertaining, Mark Twain. I'll be posting a piece of his short "Was it Heaven or Hell?" tranlated into Redneck/hick.



CHAPTER I
"Yo' told a LIE?"

"Yo' cornfess it--yo' acshully cornfess it--yo' told a lie!"


CHAPTER II


Th' fambly cornsisted of four varmints: Daisy Lester, widow, aged thirty six; Helen Lester, her dotter, aged sixteen; Mrs. Lester's maiden aunts, Hannah an' Hester Gray, twins, aged sixty-seven, as enny fool kin plainly see. Wakin' an' sleepin', th' three wimmen spent their days an' night in ado'in' th' yo'ng gal; in watchin' th' movements of her sweet spirit in th' mirro' of her face; in refreshin' their souls wif th' vishun of her bloom an' booty; in lissenin' t'th' moosic of her voice; in gratefully recognizin' how rich an' fair fo' them was th' wo'ld wif this hyar presence in it; in shudderin' t'reckon how desolate it'd be wif this hyar light gone outta it.

By nature--an' inside--th' aged aunts were utterly dear an' lovable an' fine, but in th' matter of mo'als an' cornduck their trainin' had been so uncompromisin'ly strick thet it had made them exterio'ly aestere, not t'say stern, as enny fool kin plainly see. Their influence was effeckive in th' house; so effeckive thet th' Mammy an' th' dotter cornfo'med t'its mo'al an' religious requirements cheerfully, corntentedly, happily, unquesshunably. To does this was become second nature t'them, dawgone it. An' so in this hyar peaceful hevvin thar were no clashin's, no irritashuns, no fault-findin', no heart-burnin's.

In it a lie had no place. In it a lie was unreckonable. In it speech was restricked t'absolute truth, iron-boun' truth, implacable an' uncompromisin' truth, let th' resultin' cornsequences be whut they might. At last, one day, unner stress of circumstances, th' darlin' of th' house sullied her lips wif a lie--an' cornfessed it, wif tears an' se'f-upbraidin's. Thar is not enny wo'ds thet kin paint th' consternashun of th' aunts. It was as eff'n th' sky had crumpled up an' collapsed an' th' earth had tumbled t'ruin wif a crash. They sat side by side, white an' stern, gazin' speechless upon th' cu'prit, who was on her knees befo'e them wif her face buried fust in one lap an' then t'other, moanin' an' sobbin', an' appealin' fo' sympathy an' fo'giveness an' gittin' no response, hoombly kissin' th' han' of th' one, then of t'other, only t'see it wifdrawn as sufferin' defilement by them soiled lips.

Twice, at intervals, Aunt Hester said, in frozen amazement: "Yo' told a LIE?"

Twice, at intervals, Aunt Hannah follered wif th' muttered an' amazed ejaculashun:

"Yo' cornfess it--yo' acshully cornfess it--yo' told a lie!"

It was all they c'd say. Th' situashun was noo, unheard of, incredible; they c'd not unnerstan' it, they did not knows how t'take hold of it, it approximately pareelyzed speech.

At len'th it was decided thet th' errin' chile muss be taken t'her Mammy, who was ill, an' who ought t'knows whut had happened, cuss it all t' tarnation. Helen begged, besought, implo'ed thet she might be spared this hyar further disgrace, an' thet her Mammy might be spared th' grief an' pain of it; but this hyar c'd not be: duty required this hyar sacrifice, duty takes precedence of all thin's, nothin' kin absolve one fum a duty, wif a duty no compromise is postible.

Helen still begged, an' said th' sin was her own, her Mammy had had no han' in it--whuffo' muss she be made t'suffer fo' it?

But th' aunts were obdurate in their righteousness, an' said th' law thet visited th' sins of th' parent upon th' chile was by all right an' reason revahsible; an' tharfo'e it was but jest thet th' innercent Mammy of a sinnin' chile sh'd suffer her rightful share of th' grief an' pain an' shame which were th' allotted wages of th' sin, as enny fool kin plainly see.

Th' three moved toward th' sick-room, dawgone it.


At this hyar time th' docko' was approachin' th' house. He was still a fine distance away, howevah. He was a fine docko' an' a fine man, an' he had a fine heart, but one had t'knows him a year t'git on over hatin' him, two years t'larn t'endure him, three t'larn t'like him, an' four an' five t'larn t'live him, dawgone it. It was a slow an' tryin' ejoocayshun, but it paid, cuss it all t' tarnation. He was of great stature; he had a leonine haid, a leonine face, a rough voice, an' an eye which was sometimes a pirate's an' sometimes a woomin's, acco'din' t'th' mood, cuss it all t' tarnation. He knowed nothin' about etiquette, an' cared nothin' about it; in speech, manner, carriage, an' cornduck he was th' revahse of cornvenshunal, ah reckon. He was frank, t'th' limit; he had opinions on all subjecks; they were allus on tap an' ready fo' delivery, an' he cared not a farthin' whether his lissener liked them o' didn't. Whom he loved he loved, an' manifested it; whom he didn't live he hated, an' published it fum th' housetops. In his yo'ng days he had! Fry mah hide! been a sailo', an' th' salt-airs of all th' seas blew fum him yet. He was a sturdy an' loyal Jedtian, an' believed he was th' bess one in th' lan', an' th' only one whose Jedtianity was puffickly soun', healthy, full-charged wif common sense, an' had no decayed places in it. Varmints who had an ax t'grind, o' varmints who fo' enny reason wanted wanted t'git on th' sof' side of him, called him Th' Jedtian--a phrase whose delicut flattery was moosic t'his ears, an' whose capital T was sech an inchantin' an' vivid objeck t'him thet he c'd SEE it when it fell outta varmint's mouth even in th' dark. Shet mah mouth! Menny who were fond of him stood on their cornsciences wif both feet an' brazenly called him by thet large title habitually, on account o' it was a pleasure t'them t'do ennythin' thet'd please him; an' wif eager an' co'dial malice his extensive an' dilijuntly cultivated crop of inemies gilded it, beflowered it, expan'ed it t'"Th' ONLY Jedtian, as enny fool kin plainly see." Of these two titles, the! latter had th' wider currency; th' enemah, bein' greatly in th' majo'ity, attended t'thet. Whutevah th' docko' believed, he believed wif all his heart, an''d fight fo' it whenevah he got th' chance; an' eff'n th' intervals between chances grew t'be irksomely wide, he'd invent ways of sho'tenin' them hisse'f. He was sevahely cornscientious, acco'din' t'his rather independent lights, an' whutevah he took t'be a duty he perfo'med, no matter whether th' judgment of th' professhunal mo'alists agreed wif his own o' not. At sea, in his yo'ng days, he had used profanity freely, but as soon as he was cornvahted he made a rule, which he rigidly stuck t'evah af'erward, nevah t'use it 'cept on th' raress occashuns, an' then only when duty comman'ed, cuss it all t' tarnation. He had been a hard six packer at sea, but af'er his cornvahshun he became a firm an' outspoken teetotaler, in o'der t'be an example t'th' yo'ng, an' fum thet time fo'th he seldom drank; nevah, indeed, 'cept when it seemed t'hi! Fry mah hide! m t'be a duty--a corndishun which sometimes occurred a couple of times a year, but nevah as menny as five times.

Necessarily, sech a man is impresshunable, impulsive, emoshunal, ah reckon. This hyar one was, an' had no gif' at hidin' his feelin's; o' eff'n he had it he took no trouble t'exercise it. He carried his soul's prevailin' weather in his face, an' when he intered a room th' pareesols o' th' umbrellas went up--figuratively speakin'--acco'din' t'th' indicashuns. When th' sof' light was in his eye it meant approval, an' delivahed a benedickshun; when he came wif a frown he lowered th' temperature ten degrees. He was a fine-beloved man in th' house of his friends, but sometimes a dreaded one.

He had a deep affeckshun fo' th' Lester household an' its sevahal members returned this hyar feelin' wif interest. They mourned on over his kind of Jedtianity, an' he frankly scoffed at theirs; but both parties went on lovin' etch other jest th' same.

He was approachin' th' house--outta th' distance; th' aunts an' th' cu'prit were movin' toward th' sick-chamber.